Mr. W’s Classroom
As a fifth grader, life was pretty simple. We were all just trying to figure out who we were and where we fit in. For me, that journey was a little more complicated. I didn’t have a consistent father figure in my life, and I was just beginning to understand that my feelings were different from most of my classmates. That’s when I started to have strange feelings for Mr. W, my fifth-grade teacher.
Mr. W wasn’t your typical heartthrob looker, but there was something about him that just drew me in. He had this way of lighting up the room with his presence, and I found myself constantly watching every move he made. Maybe it was because I was lacking a father figure, or maybe it was something more, but I couldn’t help but feel a special connection to him.
In class, I would sit quietly, hoping that Mr. W would call on me. When he did, I felt a rush of excitement, like a swarm of butterflies had suddenly taken flight in my stomach. I loved the way he listened intently when any of us spoke, making us feel like what we had to say mattered. It was a feeling I wasn’t used to at school, but it was one I craved.
I wasn’t alone in my admiration for Mr. W. Many of my classmates vied for his attention, always raising their hands and trying to impress him with their knowledge or humor. I was too shy to be one of those kids, always worried that I might say something stupid or embarrass myself in front of him. Instead, I would watch him from afar, stealing glances whenever I could and hoping that he might look my way.
As a fifth grader, I didn’t fully understand the complexities of attraction and sexuality. All I knew was that being around Mr. W made me feel good, and I looked forward to seeing him every day. I found myself daydreaming about him, imagining scenarios where he would praise me or even give me a hug. It was innocent, but it was also the first time I had ever experienced those kinds of feelings.
Looking back, I realize that my crush on Mr. W was a significant moment in my life. It was the first time I had felt drawn to another man, even if I didn’t fully comprehend what that meant at the time. While I never acted on my feelings or told anyone about them, they were real and powerful, and they helped shape the person I would become.
Mr. W may not have been aware of the impact he had on me, but I will always be grateful for the kindness and attention he showed me during that pivotal year. He helped me feel seen and valued, and he unknowingly guided me on my journey of self-discovery. Even though my feelings for him were just a childhood crush, they will always hold a special place in my heart as a reminder of the first time I ever experienced the exhilarating and terrifying sensation of falling for someone.
